I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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