I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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