Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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