No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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