I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
