I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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