I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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