I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
