I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
