Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
