before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
