I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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