I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
