If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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