I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize