Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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