I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
