You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
