i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
