a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
