Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the day after is always just damage control
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
