she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
