i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
