How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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