elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
