just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
