I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I love you.
Bad choice
The air taste purple.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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