were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dick very happy bro
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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