i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
