hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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