He is an equal opportunity slut.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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