Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
