Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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