i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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