He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
