just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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