watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
