connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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