I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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