he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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