u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
