She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
