if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
