when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
