i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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