I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize