What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
