dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
