I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
