Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Come see our sink grown plant.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize