I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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