just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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