booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I supernannyed him into submission
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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