anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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