Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
