the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
