When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
