Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
