The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize