My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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