I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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