There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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